My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
some things should go without saying
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors