Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
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Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.