The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom π πππππππ
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Jesus Christ, google youβre gonna get him killed
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like Iβm the only one who wanted to know!!?!
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My confessional is just a list of things Iβm willing to do for cheese
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: βIβm no doctor but Iβm pretty sure itβs not supposed to hurt when you button your pantsβ
Iβm glad weβre finally banning plastic straws. Itβs about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isnβt 100% effective, Mary.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…ππΎπ
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, thereβs a lot of cussing, itβs very confusing, everyone dies.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: Iβve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke