my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on