Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
dutch so unserious
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
That’s fair
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
okay run it by me one more time
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday