I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
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Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.