My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
12653.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Its a hippotatomus
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough