*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
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Can’t. Being lazy.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Krampus.
I feel seen
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Poetry is my passion
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room