A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
You Might Also Like
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
the battle rages on
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers