That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs