opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
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me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem