what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
You Might Also Like
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.