Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I hope this email finds you in a well
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically