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My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My love language is deader than Latin
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.