*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…