Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
You Might Also Like
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
58.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.