I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
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Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Does your wife know you’re single?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored