date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
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I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?