Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
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They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.