Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)