Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
NASA has no chill
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: