Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.