when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
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when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
S/o to @funTweeters .
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.