If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Practicing safe sax
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.