Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells