14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Okey dokey.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.