donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
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I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Gods work.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!