Spa day..😅
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Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
nyc:
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.