You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
bears
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.