Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄