Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
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Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
thanksgiving in nutshell
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
And now we wait
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.