I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”