Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”