ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?