When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
You Might Also Like
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Whoa 😂
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
When I snag the last meatball.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product