I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.