when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.