Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 馃檹馃従
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I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 馃拃
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I鈥檒l take one of each slice
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Cashier: you鈥檙e 8 cents short
Me: it鈥檚 only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it鈥檚 dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what鈥檚 one rune reading among friends?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
11鈥檚 science fair volcano lost because they didn鈥檛 appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren鈥檛 able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.