Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
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Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
No regrets in 2018
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.