I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
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As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.