Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
This is my brand.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Venn