[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself