[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Yup….perfect score!
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.