[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
You Might Also Like
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
is this meant to deter me
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Covid like
But is it really??
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*