ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
All set.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison