Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.