Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married