being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Wait for it
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.