11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
You Might Also Like
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably