Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
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*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.